WHY SAY ‘YES’ WHEN YOU OUGHT TO SAY ‘NO’?

During the course of my session on motivation, wellness and stress management, generally some participants raise the question whether it is considered bad to say no at the first instance or it is better to say yes and avoid any unpleasant situation. My response to such questions is: Why say yes when you ought to say no? Yes, the way of saying no may vary from person to person. Just tell me, if your friend tells you to abuse or beat someone or asks you to smoke or take liquor or go to a restricted place or break the traffic rules or indulge in corrupt practices or something like that, would you say no, or yes? Often, we see news reports that some persons who seem to be innocent were also arrested by the police as they were found to be in the group of criminals. Those seemingly innocent persons are primarily the persons who fail to say no to bad company or wrong-doings and thus face problems unnecessarily. We also find some people who say no when they should say yes and vice versa.

Yes, it is true that nobody likes to listen no. On the contrary, the majority of people whether in family or in office or in any other place, wants people to agree or endorse what they say or ask for, no matter what they say is not true, reasonable or a fact. It applies more to most of the government officers and ministers or such influential persons. Just think for a moment, how is it possible to say yes on every issue without giving a thought to the matter in question? On top of this, only by saying yes can the desired work or purpose be accomplished? In fact, the whole idea of saying yes is to make a commitment to keep the promise or for completing the task well to the satisfaction of the doer as well as the beneficiary. To say, you know very well that by saying yes instead of no, you may try to please others momentarily, but you have definitely sown the seeds of several problems at the same time. In fact, you set out for a complex journey at the level of your thought and action, the outcome of which will compel you to make so many compromises as far as your success, health, comfort and peace of mind are concerned. Here, I am not talking about habitual yes or no sayers, because their saying yes or no on any issue depends on money or on some other considerations. 

It is correct that many of us actually want to say no to an unreasonable request or instruction, but either say yes or keep silent. When we say yes, the other person naturally feels happy, but if we keep silent instead of saying no, the other person normally takes it as an endorsement for what he or she has requested or instructed. All wise persons assert that saying an emphatic no with calmness and inner conviction is far better than a yes only to please a person or to get rid of a problem for a while. And by the way, saying no is your choice and it is not a crime either.

According to Steve Pavlina, ‘Saying no is not easy, but it is a required skill if you wish to have any degree of focus in your life. If you say yes too often, you will likely fall into the common trap of saying yes to the good while simultaneously saying no to the best.’ Now, if you look around, you will find that good number of your friends-colleagues- relatives or even prominent political leaders and bureaucrats are put themselves, mostly unnecessarily, in over-commitment trap by saying yes only to deceive or please others or due to fear factor or just to get rid of a small difficulty.  And as it happens normally, they lie repeatedly to cover-up the false commitment made earlier. Interestingly, when their lies and false promises get exposed, they find themselves in an embarrassing position. On the contrary, if you say a no with due humility and firmness instead of saying a yes which you don’t mean at all, you can avoid so many problems in future. Steve Jobs views it from another perspective by saying that it is only by saying no to some less important activities or negative persons you can focus on the things that are really important.

So, it is better to understand well that life is a beautiful and challenging journey, where you have to use your ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ judiciously. Helping the needy is a noble activity - not through sweet words and deceptive promises, but by solid and timely actions. Precisely speaking, learning to say no is a valuable skill which requires courage, conviction and clarity. It is an art and not science that has multiple benefits including the one Joe Calloway points out, “When you say no to the wrong people, it opens up the space for the right people to come in.” 

As always, I'm keen to know what you think on this subject. Hence, I request you to post your comments to share your valuable opinion.   (hellomilansinha@gmail.com)     

# Published in my Sunday Column of "Morning India" daily.